I wrote this almost exactly one year ago to the day. I was preparing to leave for instructor training, and this was the struggle in my heart. It was a struggle I had felt and tried to ignore for years that continued to bubble to the surface.
I remember one cold November morning of retreat, sitting in the dining hall doing my silent time with God that day, and just pouring these fears out to Him, maybe for the first time. Truly being honest with him about my fear that my past didn't give me enough of a WOW factor testimony for Him to use.
He is so good, you guys. He interrupted my thoughts and said, "Stop trying to be broken when I need you to go heal the ones who are."
I have always been by His side, even when I have thrown tempter tantrums and strayed a bit in defiance, I have always been at home in my Father's house, and that is a different testimony to celebrate.
Here are the words God healed me through that day...
Hey guys this is gonna be long because I am processing it out as I type. Sometimes that is the easiest way for me to organize my thoughts and feelings (Type A much anyone?)'
I just sat down to write my devotion and words and find my scriptures for my classes for this coming week, and I was drawing a blank. So, I just listened for the Spirit to bring words to my remembrance and started looking up each one. These are the scriptures etched into my heart going in to retreat.
Moment of complete truth and vulnerability? I don't feel like I am enough. I feel like I called, equipped, educated, and able. I feel like I am doing what God created me to do, but I don't feel like it is enough, but not in the way I am feeling from most of us.
I look around and see people standing on the edge of the cliff terrified to take the leap. That's a leap I have already taken. I see brothers and sisters taking MASSIVE transformations of self and soul. I feel like I am growing, too, but in a more subtle soft way. I feel more sensitive to the words of God. I feel more attuned to the still small voice. But I have not had a massive 180 flip of my life and it makes me think, "am I doing this right? Everyone else is so drastically changed or doing this afraid. I feel nothing but joy and excitement to continue on the path I have been on for year. Is that okay?"
I haven't said much about it because I have been trying to figure it all out, but I thought to myself, "what if I am not alone?" What if someone else is with me here? Happy, peaceful, ready....and afraid that means something is missing.
So I looked up the words God whispered to me. I felt drawn to the Prodigal's brother. I get it. I get his anger. I am not mad, I am afraid, but close enough. He felt threatened and cheated by the reaction to his brother's transformation while he was there the whole time.
Being there the whole time is good. It is enough. It is sufficient. God is thrilled and heaven rejoices at huge moves of the spirit and 180 degree leaps of faith. God and heaven are happy for those of us who have been here all along, too.
Bottom line, we have all been moved and changed the past 10 weeks. Some just different than others, and that is okay. We are all different in different places and seasons with different circumstances and maturity. Some of us our change is easier to pinpoint and articulate. Others, well, we know.
Don't let the enemy convince you that your journey is less because it is quieter. God moves in the still small wind, too.